catch up from behind

im beginning to think. well, rather, im beginning to believe what ive been thinking all along.

and i was REALLY hoping that i would be wrong about you. but i wasnt, im not. i dont like knowing that there is more coming from one end than the other.

and this place makes me remember. it makes me smile, but it makes me really remember, remember things that i had chosen to forget about. certain sounds, those places, that smell, that face. it makes my eyelids flutter uncomfortably, as i hear my brain clench behind my ears. and it teleports me to another place and another time when i had a different reason.

its all very wishy washy at this point.

!!!!!!

its here. its bubbling over and spilling onto the floor. pouring out of my fingers and toes. they're wiggling and jiggling and doing a little dance. a little happy dance. a little excitement dance. a little dance thats been hiding in some dark chamber of my stomach for wayyyyyy too long.

and all i can say now is !!!!!!

{0}....well technically 0 in like 35 mintues....but no judgments here.

vier

three hundred and sixty five days ago. exactly. in the exact same place. watching the exact same people. feeling totally and completely different. it was the start of the shatter. when the crack in the windshield was just a crack, before it was little pieces of glass scattered all over the inside of your car.

you dont remember, im sure. but i remember. how that hot nervous heat took over my body when i read those words on the small black screen. i can feel it now. the pounding in my temples. the inability to focus. the people blurred from excessive water build up in my eyes. the words that kept me sitting on the curb, watching the people dance bye.

and i find it very ironic, that three hundred and sixty five days later, i gather something totally different, from someone totally different. these two separate existences that are so completely different that they are in face the same person all together. the constant battle is over, and no one has won.

but i must say that it put a smile on my face. the writing on the little black screen. there was no heat, no pounding, no inability. just hope. hope for you, hope for me. three hundred and sixty five days of distress. day in and day out, i remember every moment. every gesture.

but now there's hope. i think. i hope there's hope? maybe.

fifty years before you

mmm. yea. you know, im not so sure. i can honestly admit that i dont know. i think its false, but who am i to say? it all comes full circle. ive literally been on this marry-go-round ten thousand times, why am i still so surprised when the ride ends. and why do i continue to get so excited when it starts up again. its like im asking to get kicked in the bottom.

BUT i figured it out. i figure it out. i figured all the its out. i understand now. i see clearly and walk in a straight line. and the lights stay on until far past midnight. and the giggles are spontaneous.

but there's a leake in the sink. and it drip drops, and drop drips, and drippy drippy drops and drop drips. um. no thank you. message not sent.

one time there was a piano in the corner of the room. and i knew how to play the songs from church. and i sang alone. and there was hope in the air. and fate etched in the marble floor.

{6} WHATTT?!?!?

take it from me

the theme that tied it all together was their inability to decipher the difference between reality and illusion. they couldn't figure out what was real and what was fake. what had actually happened and what they had dreamed. what happened this morning and what happened ten years ago. that one woman looked in the mirror and imagined the naval officer. the poor old man spoke to himself without the understanding that there was no one else there. and that young man saw his father in the sky. i cant remember the fine line. its all a blur.

i want it to just happen. i just want it to suddenly hit me, and voilà. there it is, forever and ever. no assistance, no speaking, nothing. just voilà.

i do what i can

i dont like this, i dont like this one bit. i really do not like it at all. what i am seeing, makes me very unhappy. you should know better.

you see, its like this. theres a difference between what i say i want and what i actually want. but in reality, there really is no difference since i lie on both accounts, to you and to myself. i communicate from many different parts, i speak from my brain, i think from my mind and my heart, i act from the pit of my stomach, i lie from my face, to my face. i move for my knowledge, to know that i am still able-bodied.

many months ago i took a test, an online test, to see where i stood in the grand scheme of things. there were two questions to which i had answered no. and i was then labeled moderate and given some type of warning. but now both of those have shifted to yes. so where does that place me? is it official now, like can i give myself that label. instead of finding other excuses or creating alternate names.

things change. and i dont like it. and you should know this. and you should do something about it. or at least you shouldnt do that one thing that you know really just drives me insane. or maybe you continue to do it because you dont know. in fact, im sure you dont know. because i always lie to you. so how could you know? and how can i let myself get upset for something that you do to irritate me that you have no idea irritates me because i never tell you it irritates me, and that cycle irritates me...you understand?

golden brown mounds

if you keep the blinds shut, eventually it will be dark enough for you to fall asleep...