i wanna see your face.

WHAT THE HELL?

so you know when you are a little kid and you are like "oh i wanna be a doctor, teacher, singer, ect. when i grow up"?

it kind of just hit me. this is "when i grow up". when i grow up is right effing now.  when the hell did that happen? oh my god. oh my god. im like freaking out now. 

i know that this sounds so dumb and cliche and all that shit, but i dont care. no ones going to read this shit anyway.

i remember last year at this time when all the seniors were leaving and me leaving seemed SO far away. but its like now. in 15 days i am going to be done with high school, forever. its so bittersweet. but quite honestly its much more bitter than sweet. 

im not trying to be a downer. 

I KNOW that i am going to love college

I KNOW that i am going to be fine

I KNOW that i am going to have "the time of my life"

I KNOW that i am going to make plenty of new friends

I KNOW that it is time to move on from high school and begin the "rest of my life"

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!

but i am not ready for this. 

I AM NOT OKAY with packing up my shit and moving across the country

I AM NOT OKAY with the fact that in 15 days the drama room will be a place to visit, it will no longer be my home

I AM NOT OKAY with leaving my people. the ones who know me inside and out.

I AM NOT OKAY with the fact that your friendships are going to continue to grow while i am away. 

I AM NOT OKAY with the fact that when i come back its going to be like for a visit. not forever.

I AM NOT OKAY with only being able to talk to you on the phone and via text and facebook. no matter what anyone says NOTHING compares to talking face to face. and hugging.

I AM NOT OKAY rooming with someone who doesnt know me, who doesnt know what i deal with in my mind on a daily basis.

I AM NOT OKAY with the fact that my little brother is going to be taking ownership of my car. he has no idea how sentimental that car is. the conversations, the arguments, the talks, the songs, the tears, the laughs, the bonds, the advice, the confessions. my car is my place. my safe place. 

I AM NOT OKAY with the fact that when i freak out no one will be able to comfort me, to calm me down, to tell me to get out of bed when i've been lying around all day.

I AM NOT OKAY that no one will tell me to stop, force me to stop, when i start again.

I AM NOT OKAY WITH ANY OF THIS.

and that is why i am scared and why i keep saying i dont want to go. i am so scared, more scared than i have ever been in my entire life. i have always know and appreciated how good i have it here. i am constantly surrounded by the best people. although we all have out flaws, and each friendship has its ups and downs, i have the strongest support system. and in a matter of months i'll have no one. and i dont want to start over. i dont want to start from scratch. i dont want to try to make new someone understand me when there is already someone who understands me better than anyone else.

Fuck. i am not okay with this. i have so little time left. and then its all over. and then i have to sit at my computer many miles away and watch as your lives go on without me. i am not okay with it. i know i have to be, but hey, this is a blog, so i can say whatever the fuck i want.

I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE. I DO NOT WANT TO BE SO FAR AWAY. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THANKSGIVING TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 

I WANT TO HUG YOU EVERY DAY. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU EVERY DAY. I WANT TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. I WANT YOU TO TELL ME EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. I WANNA SEE YOUR FACE!!! AND "YOU" ARE NOT JUST ONE PERSON. YOU ARE A FEW OF SPECIAL PEOPLE. YOU SHOULD EACH KNOW WHO YOU ARE.