wallflower

so thats your excuse, thats how you are going to justify it. oh, okay.

i wish you could be an outsider watching this unfold. you're a thousand times worse than she is. and the saddest part is that you dont even realize it. you dont even have a clue.

{25}eeeee

my eyes burn

i hate it when people post song lyrics, but im going to do it anyway.

Too attuned
Too in step with the obvious
Too at ease and strange
So amused and I'm always jealous of you
People never change

Nothing but blue skies always on my mind
Blue skies on my mind
I promised your blue eyes
I'd never be unkind
There will always be
There will always be unkind people

Now and then
I'm wishing I never
Let you let me disappear
Take me off this stage
I don't get it at all over
While we're both still here

Nothing but blue skies always on my mind
Blue skies on my mind
I promised your blue eyes
I'd never be unkind
There will always be
There will always be unkind people

Stars on my left
Stars on my right
You and the moon
In the dead of night
Faith brings me back to the place I met you
I bet you miss me sometimes, sometimes

Nothing but blue skies always on my mind
Blue skies on my mind
I promised your blue eyes
I'd never be unkind
There will always be
There will always be unkind people

upside down

that was really nice. lets make it happen again. please?

you read me and i'll read you. its a good system.

that was completely out of no where. it would have happened a long time ago but i had forgotten how to spell your last name.

three faces. one failure. my fault completely.

you lie. and change. everyones telling me except you. face the facts.

the trees are getting naked. their golden brown leaves are sprinkled over the ground. i am in love with fall.

theres a hole. in the blanket. in your shirt (more than one), in the window, in her bucket, in the sky, in my mind, in the door.

dip the apples.

i want to wake up in this room.

are we there yet?

how am i going to do it. its gotta be something creative, very original. some way that when people read about it in the newspaper they will say to themselves, "how did she even come up with that". i want to make sure that my way is completely different from anyone else's. there are the basic ways, we see them in the movies all the time. but i could just put pebbles in my pockets. that was something new. or i could stick my head in the thing that makes warm smiles, that was an interesting one. i can have it two ways. but in the end, who really would even care?

homecoming parade

who are you? no seriously, who the fuck are you? dont laugh at me, dont defend yourself, dont try to hide your face. DO NOT LIE TO ME. just tell me the honest truth.

where is she? she is walking toward the door, and you're the one who told her to leave. so where did she go? what did you do to her? when is she coming back? tell me the truth you fucker. you dumb ass.

sorry for the harsh words. im just really frustrated. and i want my best friend back. so just tell me the truth, okay?

my room was sea foam green

as unnecessary as it is, its almost perfect. like a little shove, a nudge really, leading me into the right direction. or rather, making the wrong direction seem less and less appealing. all i really ever wanted to do was to be close, to be next to that seemingly miraculous being. for so long, i let the wheels in my head turn and turn and replay certain encounters to try to pick out things i said right or wrong. to try to figure out why you would go on trips to who knows where until who knows when. i always felt that i was somehow at fault, although i admirably attempted to convince myself otherwise. and those few rare moments when you were home, when things were exactly as i wanted them, when it was like that one february, i always had a sneaking suspicion creeping up my spine that the bliss was only temporary. the suspicion was always right.

right now i stand at the corner of fate and failure. fate is relatively clear. life will go on, with or without me. i will eventually put down the tools from the hardware store. i will leave behind peter pan's green hat. i will wrap my arms around something else, something more sturdy and less hypocritical. and it will be okay.

as i am aware of each crinkle under my feet, i will never forget that failure. the constant ache of the rock that is sitting in the pit of my stomach. the wad of gum lodged in the back of my throat making it near impossible for me to ever take a complete deep breath. the visual reminders of those beautiful helpful little nick-nacks.

and i like the wooden beads. they are thick and sturdy and opaque. they stretch far more than the ribbons or lace. i like how sweet they smell when they are damp. but thats besides the fact, im still wearing my heart on my sleeve. see it. smell it. listen to it. ask about it. care about it. want it. love it.

love it. i love it. i always have and i always will.

{33} remember. because i wont remind you. this is like a test, you will likely fail.