"my father, a closet astronomer, has tried to explain black holes to me, how they are so heavy they absorb everything, even light, right into the center. moments like this are the same kind of vacuum; no matter what you cling to, you wind up being sucked in."

that was not meant for your eyes. and yet you went ahead and did what you do best. you suck.

Remember that one day. It was after the good times but before the really bad times. The ceiling was white the walls were green and the pillows were pink. But you wanted to move. You always want to move. It’s irritating. Because I cant follow you, you move too fast. If you looked really close you would see the unthinkable. I did the unthinkable. Not it, that thing, not that unthinkable, but a different one. One that four and a half months ago would have been almost as worse. But right now it feels more right than ever. And I’m glad that you aren’t watching too closely, because for the first time in a long time I’m thinking about something that doesn’t concern you. So go on, keep moving.  I’m getting closer to happy without your help.

fifty two days and im gone. so can we be done with this? please?

...on my pillow

if i made the executive decision to be mad instead of sad, then why can't i stop crying?

wine and cheap perfume

Lets recap on the most mind boggling day I have ever had, ever.

 

1.     Wake up late
2.     government paper refuses to print…meaning I could potentially fail the class and not graduate
3.     lie to the nurse and tell her that I am eighteen so that I can get an off grounds pass for senior ditch day….i am only 17 and ¾
4.     go to breakfast with people I hate and see the tallest woman I have ever seen
5.     to home to clean my room, but I end up watching the bachelorette and eating Swedish fish
6.     find out that the ritzy  hair salon I am getting my prom hair done at is going to charge me 100 fucking dollars…and Audrey isn’t paying.
7.     Go back to school to work on the last thing I will ever do for the drama department.
8.     Get my nails done at some new hip place with the lamest name ever. I see some girl who I was best friends with freshman year, she acts like she has no idea who I am, nice.
9.     Go home to try to clean some more. Watch some more bachelorette.
10. Decide to try on my prom shoes and walk around in them
11. Stumble upon my mom listening to a voice mail from my English teacher
12. Note to self: never make photocopies of class notes and lend them to a “friend” to copy…because that friend could just turn in your notes in our eight hundred point notebook saying they are hers which ends up in YOU receiving an ethics violation on your personal record, and a failure notice from one of your only two required classes to graduate.
13. FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Because now I might not graduate and I also might not go to college because I have a cheating penalty on my record. sweet. just what i wanted.
14. Get yelled at and grounded by Audrey…never fun.
15. Pam Jennings calls me back and tells me that I should come to school right now (6:00 pm) to discuss this situation.

16. I go. I cry. I apologize. I cry. I cry. I explain. I cry….and I RARELY cry. Fuck.  She tells me that I will prob just get a C or a D and have to do Saturday school, but I MIGHT still be able to graduate.
17. I go home and report to Audrey.  She guilt trips me and tells me how my actions have led her to feel like a failure as a parent. She brings up a sore subject and cries. I begrudgingly hug her.
18. Ten minutes later she tells me that bath and body works is hiring and I need to get dressed and do my makeup and go apply. So I do.  
19. I come home to find her and four of her friends getting drunk by the fireplace. She invites me to join.
20.  I join and they give me martinis.
21. I forget that I have job training tomorrow for fucking beach camp.
22. I write this.

 

Welcome to my life.

Fun stuff.